Tuesday, 13 December 2016

Parental Guidance advised: the Alternative Elf on the Shelf

Day 1. The smell of burning takes us to find the elf in the toaster, squidged beside the holiday crumpets he couldn’t wait for.

Day 2. Elf hangs from the Xmas tree, electrocuted by the Xmas lights.

Day 3. Elf lies flattened by the front door under an Amazon parcel.

Day 4. Elf discovered half buried in the cat’s litter tray.

Day 5. Elf found with head spinning from repetitive Xmas songs.

Day 6. Elf is on the mantelpiece, draped and singed by the Frankincense candle.

Day 7. Elf discovered in kitchen, drowning in the vat of mulled wine.

Day 8. Elf’s internal organs fail from testing (too many) mince pies.

Day 9. Having failed to learn from yesterday, Elf’s tummy explodes from easting Brussels Sprouts.

Day 10. Elf found half chewed by dog who thought he was a chocolate tree decoration.

Day 11. Elf frozen in the garden as dog realises he isn’t chocolate and tries to bury the evidence.

Day 12. Elf found bored rigid in front of yet another Xmas TV repeat. 

Day 13. Elf found on dining table, choked from the fake snow and glitter scattered there.

Day 14. Elf hanging lifeless from the Xmas tree having tried and failed to usurp the Angel.

Day 15. Elf notices that his red and white outfit does not coincide with this year’s ‘monochrome theme’ and throws himself out the window.

Day 16. Elf found with Terry’s Chocolate Orange smashed on his head. No, the bloody thing didn’t open.

Day 21. Elf discovers his severe nut allergy having stolen ‘the purple one’ from the Quality Street tin.

Day 22. Elf walks into oven whilst texting.

Day 23. Elf re-enacts Xmas advert only to get eaten by a Boxer.

Day 24. Elf kidnapped by carol singers.

Day 25. Elf dead in a pile of soot thanks to Santa’s clumsy use of the chimney.

NB. Many elves died in the making of this list.
Re-enact these scenes at the risk of your own elf.